


I've Seen Too Much

by AshenDay



Category: Naruto
Genre: A Little Less Descriptive Than What I Write, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hatake Kakashi Has Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Kakashi Needs Someone To Grab Him By The Shoulders And Shake Him, Lots of Angst, M/M, Misunderstanding, Naruto is 25, Sasuke is a Good Friend, Shikamaru is Precious, So It'll Be Short, So is Sai, Soft Trigger Warning for Implied Suicide Attempt, They all need hugs, Though It Isn't, Unbeta'd- We Die Like Men, in his own way, it's pretty sad, narusasu if you squint, or not even
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25704973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshenDay/pseuds/AshenDay
Summary: “We have to talk about what happened,” Naruto says, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice, but his tone rises, shaking uncontrollably. Kakashi’s gaze burns holes through him, and he almost recoils. “Sensei, why did you do that? Are you trying to get yourself killed?”There’s a long moment of silence, and Naruto is afraid of the answer. Kakashi stares at him, and Naruto feels very small, like he should know the answer to that question.Maybe he does.-Kakashi is reckless, and Naruto is worried.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 59
Kudos: 236
Collections: Naruto





	1. Into Your Icy Blues

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is a ship I don't usually write, but it kind of wrote itself. It's very short, but I still divided it into 3 chapters- it reads more like a drabble than anything else. It's also a different style to what I usually write so I'm quite nervous about it, so feedback will be much appreciated.
> 
> Also, as stated in the tags, Naruto is 25 in this, and Kakashi is correspondingly 38, at thirteen years older.
> 
> -Ashen

Naruto hasn’t seen the Rokudaime in a while. 

It’s nothing out of the ordinary. The Hokage is a busy man, and so is Naruto—his twenties are proving to be some of the most hectic times of his life. The missions are relentless, as is his training to become the next Hokage. He doesn’t mind. It helps keep him occupied. 

It’s only when Pakkun appears in the middle of his kitchen at midnight, eyes wild, that the hair at the back of Naruto’s neck stand up. 

“Kakashi’s in trouble,” the dog says, urgency lacing his voice. Naruto is already pulling his jacket on by the time he says the last word, kunai in hand, heart beating furiously. 

He moves faster than he ever has in his life. 

•

They find Sasuke somewhere along the way, since Pakkun had the good sense to send Shiba to find him. The two exchange a quick, curt nod, leaving the formalities for later. There are pressing matters at hand. 

“We need backup at home,” Sasuke reminds him, as they fly through the trees. The rain gets into Naruto’s eyes, and it’s hard to see through the night, but they don’t slow down. 

“I know,” he nods. “We’ll send Pakkun ahead.”

Sasuke is silent for a second. “He might be hurt. Badly.”

Naruto grits his teeth. He knows that this is Sasuke’s way of showing kindness, by preparing him for a possibility, but he's always been too much of a pessimist. “He’ll be fine.”

“Naruto–“

He picks up speed, and the wind whips through his hair. Silently, Sasuke follows.

•

The encampment is heavily guarded. It would be a challenge for any other ninja, but Sasuke and Naruto have a purpose, one that hits too close to home. On any other day, Naruto would pause to appreciate the skill of some of the Iwa-nin, but today, he doesn’t hesitate to tear through the scores and scores of ninja that seemed to ambush them out of nowhere. 

He‘s certain he’s killed a few. 

He doesn’t care. 

Fighting with Sasuke is safe, familiar, as they use the techniques taught by the very person they’re trying to rescue. They don’t speak, except each other’s names to warn them—finally a cohesive team, right when they really need to be. 

They’re both unscathed in relative terms by the time they’re done with the Iwa-nins. Seething, Naruto resolves to have a word with the Tsuchikage about her shinobi.

He’ll go to war for Kakashi, if he has to. 

“Down here,” Pakkun barks, standing at the entrance to a dark corridor. Naruto and Sasuke fly after him. 

•

They find Kakashi alive, but barely—he’s breathing heavily, bleeding in more places that Naruto can count. Neither he nor Sasuke are medics, but it doesn’t take much to see that his chakra is completely depleted. The rest of his ninken stand around him protectively, hackles raised as they stare at the door, teeth bared. The dogs have torn countless ninjas apart, from the looks of the bodies scattered around Kakashi. He’s trained them well. 

“Pakkun,” Sasuke says, as Naruto’s eyes rove over the Rokudaime’s limp form. “Tell Yamato and Sakura we’re coming back to Naruto’s.”

Pakkun nods, and disappears in a flash. 

Naruto feels for a pulse desperately, and to his relief, finds a weak thrum through Kakashi’s fabric-covered neck. The tension bleeds out of him. Vaguely, he can feel Sasuke’s hand on his shoulder. 

He breathes deeply. Kakashi is alive. That’s all that matters. 

“Why did he—“ he begins. Sasuke shakes his head, looking more worried than Naruto has seen him in a long time. 

“I don’t know.”

•

He holds Kakashi’s hand as Sakura works frantically, Tenzo watching with worried eyes as Sasuke, in a rare show of consideration, cooks food for them and the ninken. They’re tired, but there’s no time to waste. 

Sakura tentatively suggests telling Tsunade, but the others shut the suggestion down quickly. It would be best for the Godaime to stay oblivious if they are to keep the fact that the Rokudaime, of all people, had been sneaking out of the village for some godforsaken reason.

Kakashi has always been a free spirit. He is a hurricane in battle, a display of undulating grace and technique that makes people around him lay down their arms and turn to watch. In retrospect, Naruto realises that he should have known that Kakashi wouldn’t let himself be confined to a desk, even if it meant that he had to be slightly dishonest. 

And yet, looking at Kakashi’s closed eyes, Naruto can’t help but feel slightly deceived. He wishes that Kakashi had told him. He would have even accompanied his old sensei. At some level, he understands—he’s always been drawn to these elusive, enigmatic types. Naruto will never completely relate to them, but he understands how scared Kakashi is of losing his comrades. It’s no wonder, really. He lost his entire team young. 

“He’s out of danger,” Sakura says, finally. There’s sweat dripping down her forehead, and she’s hunched over, her hands covered in blood, just like Naruto’s bedsheets. “It’ll be a few hours before he wakes up, but he’ll live.”

Naruto slumps over, unable to find the words to thank Sakura. He tries not to cry. She kisses the top of his head, as if she knows. 

•

The ninken fall asleep eventually, exhausted from their battle. Sakura and Tenzo leave with promises to visit the next day, but Sasuke stays to help Naruto clean the blood off Kakashi’s skin and change the bloodied sheets. 

“What about the Hokage’s duties?” Sasuke says, finally. 

“Yamato will take over for a few days,” Naruto says, his voice unusually quiet. “Where will you be?”

Sasuke’s eyes are steely. “Gone for a while. Nobody can find out that the Rokudaime is indisposed.”

Naruto nods absently. He knows how much Sasuke protects them from the shadows, taking much of the dirty work off the Hokage’s hands, silently tearing down any threats coming the village’s way. Naruto feels a pang of anger shoot through him at Kakashi for throwing all those efforts away. 

“Come back safely,” he says, like he does every time. Sasuke almost smiles back at him, and it’s reply enough. 

•

The house is silent, save for the quiet snores of the ninken and the rustle of papers as Naruto tries to write up his reports. Bisuke is sleeping on Naruto’s lap, and his fingers gently scratch behind the dog’s ears. 

It’s nice to have company, Naruto realises, even if it’s silent. Save on missions, as long as he can remember, he has spent the night alone.

The warmth, the security, is comforting. 

He puts his pen down. The reports can wait, considering the man he has to report to is currently unconscious in his bed. He’s tired, and he could take the couch, but he doesn’t want to let Kakashi out of his sight. Despite the Hokage being out of danger, there’s a uncomfortable feeling in the base of his stomach, and he can’t place it. He doesn’t try to place it.

There’s anger in his heart, of course, and worry, but try as he might, he doesn’t understand why Kakashi would willingly jeopardise his life just to get a breath of fresh air. Naruto is a restless man himself, but considers himself sensible enough to not risk his life meaninglessly—at least not anymore. Kakashi has taught him better. 

The weight of Bisuke in his lap is calming, grounding. Naruto finds his eyes closing, despite his racing mind and his valiant attempts to stay awake. Perhaps he should get himself a dog, he thinks, as he drifts off. 

•

When he wakes, Kakashi is looking at him. 

Neither of them say a word. The silence is taut, like a string waiting to snap. Naruto is alert instantly, but Kakashi’s eyes are unfocused, as if he’s looking through Naruto, like he always has. For years, it’s always made him feel small.

Tonight is no exception. 

A long moment passes, before Naruto brings Kakashi a glass of water. There are no words to say yet, none needed. Naruto sees those strong hands shake. He’s not sure how long he sits at the edge of the bed.

“Why?” Naruto asks, finally. His voice is quieter than its ever been. 

Kakashi doesn’t answer. He doesn’t even look at him. He only closes his eyes. 

•

The dawn breaks slowly, as if trying to give them another moment of peace. Naruto wishes the sun would rise sooner, for the sun would bring Sakura and Tenzo, freeing them from the horrible limbo that they’re stuck in. 

Neither of them speak. Kakashi is impassive, alternating between eating and resting, though he never does close his eyes. Naruto, for once, chooses to bite his tongue. There are many things he wants to say, many questions he needs to ask, but somehow, he doesn’t think he’ll get his answers. 

At some point, the Rokudaime stands. His feet are unsteady, but Naruto doesn’t move to catch him. Not yet. 

“Thanks,” Kakashi says. It’s distant, impersonal. Naruto almost can’t stand it. 

“Sensei—“

“Not now,” he says, and Naruto feels his anger bubble to the surface, even though he knows he shouldn’t break, even though he knows this is his Hokage, even though he would never disrespect Kakashi on purpose. 

His grip on Kakashi’s arm is more forceful than he intends. Kakashi’s eyes finally meet his, and he isn’t looking through him anymore, so Naruto holds those eyes with his own for dear life. 

“We have to talk about what happened,” Naruto says, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice, but his tone rises, shaking uncontrollably. Kakashi’s gaze burns holes through him, and he almost recoils. “Sensei, why did you do that? Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

There’s a long moment of silence, and Naruto is afraid of the answer. Kakashi stares at him, and Naruto feels very small, like he should know the answer to that question. 

Maybe he does. 


	2. You're All I Reach For

Time passes in days ticking away, slow and burdened, like walking through honey. Kakashi broods. Naruto watches.

Sakura and Tenzo visit daily, but not for long—the kunoichi makes it clear that Kakashi is not to move, and even their Hokage doesn’t dare disobey her. Tenzo watches silently, looking at Kakashi with something akin to sadness and disappointment in his eyes—Naruto sees their sensei turn away, and he isn’t sure whether it’s in shame or anger. 

He and Kakashi don’t speak, aside from the few words that come out of necessity from temporarily living together. Kakashi has never been a man of many words, but Naruto has never known him to be so silent. 

The unanswered question hangs in the air between them. 

_Sensei, why did you do that?_

Sometimes, when Naruto is turned away, he can feel Kakashi’s gaze on him, burning through him and carving him into tiny bits. 

_Are you trying to get yourself killed?_

Every time he looks back, Kakashi is turned towards the window. 

It’s not long before Kakashi can stand, hobbling around the tiny apartment slowly. The kitchen table becomes his favourite place—often, Naruto finds him absently tracing aimless words into the wood. It seems to soothe him, somehow. 

“Sensei,” Naruto says, softly, snapping Kakashi out of his reverie. “You haven’t eaten anything all day.”

The Hokage nods absently, taking the bowl of miso soup that Naruto has made with tender care. According to Guy-sensei, it’s Kakashi’s favourite. Preoccupied as he takes the first bite, his sensei’s eyes sharpen as he looks down at the dish, and then at Naruto.

There’s a strained moment of silence—and then, for the first time in an eternity, Kakashi smiles. 

His eye doesn’t curve up into the crescent that Naruto is so used to, but it’s a smile nonetheless. Naruto returns it shakily—his face feels taut, the movement foreign, as if he’s forgotten how to. His hands clench into fists under the table as Kakashi eats the rest of the soup quietly, and he tries not to cry. 

•

“You should plant some vegetables.”

Naruto starts, looking up from his reports to see Kakashi watching him from the bed, his hair more mussed than usual. Suddenly, Naruto wants to touch it. He wonders what it feels like—he’s wondered for many years. 

“I live in an apartment, Kaka-sensei.” He chooses his words carefully. The mask stretches ever so slightly—a hint of a smile. 

“You could help me with my garden, then.”

The words are oddly disarming, conversational—the few days of silence have made the apartment dusty with emotions, the air heavy with unavowed words. For Kakashi to speak to Naruto with such nonchalance has become a thing of the past. 

“I could,” Naruto says, not daring to get his hopes up. Kakashi is nothing if not unpredictable, unrepentant in his actions. 

Kakashi nods, as if satisfied with the answer. 

“Eggplants?” Naruto asks, desperate to cling to the thin thread that Kakashi seems to have offered him, because he would never forgive himself for not trying. 

“Goes well with miso soup,” Kakashi says. Then, “tomatoes, too.”

“Tomatoes?”

“Sasuke likes them, doesn’t he?”

Naruto stares, gently returning Kakashi’s small smile. It’s been forever since he’s recognised Kakashi, but he sees it peering through the cracks in distant demeanour, the familiar warmth reaching out. For a fleeting second, Naruto is reminded of a warm hug in a tent on a rainy day. Kakashi’s arms had been strong, safe. 

Kakashi’s eyes are stormy. They always have been. 

Yet, his smile is warm. 

“He does,” Naruto nods. Content, Kakashi settles into the pillows for the night, closing his eyes. For the first time, he faces Naruto, instead of the window. 

•

It’s only when Kakashi fleetingly touches Naruto for the first time that Naruto puts a finger on his feelings. 

Kakashi is _trying_. Naruto can see it in the way he talks—small sentences, tinged with gratitude and accompanied with a small smile, and little things like finding his desk arranged after grocery runs. His sensei still ponders, absent-minded, more often silent than not. 

But Naruto knows effort when he sees it. For a split second, he’s reminded of Sasuke. 

Naruto is working at the kitchen table as Kakashi eats, Bisuke on his master’s lap. Oddly, the silence is comfortable. The only noise is the scratching of Naruto’s pen on the paper, and the clatter of Kakashi’s spoon against the bowl. 

Naruto eyes slip shut slowly as sleep creeps up on him—the pen falls from his hand. He’s tired, and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t question it, but his eyes flutter open as a strong hand rests on his hair. 

He blinks drowsily. 

“It’s time for bed,” a gentle voice whispers. It sounds like it’s echoing through valleys, the warmth resonating in Naruto’s weary mind. Kakashi’s hand is strong, delicate. Absently, Naruto wishes that he would scratch his head slightly. 

“Tired,” he mumbles softly, suddenly feeling the overwhelming need to collapse into Kakashi’s arms. He doesn’t. 

“I know,” Kakashi murmurs, and through the haze of exhaustion caused by sleepless nights, Naruto hears Kakashi’s voice caress him softly, gently, lovingly. 

Naruto wants to drown, and never look back. 

He’s slightly more awake by the time Kakashi guides him to the couch, but he keeps his eyes closed. The fingers gripping his arm are cold. Naruto is afraid to reach out and touch, lest his hands pass right through the ghost that Kakashi has always been. 

His heart constricts slightly, and he shivers under Kakashi’s touch long after it’s gone. 

•

Kakashi has slender fingers. 

Naruto longs to feel them in his hair, he realises. 

He finds himself staring at Kakashi’s hands as the fingers hold a spoon, as the turn the page of the worn book that Kakashi is sure to have memorised by now. If Kakashi notices, he doesn’t say so. 

•

“You haven’t been going on any missions,” Kakashi observes, almost flippantly, not looking up from his book. 

“Captain Yamato wants me in the village,” Naruto replies, carefully. He doesn’t like tiptoeing around Kakashi—it feels wrong, foreign, eerie. He’s absolutely unused to it, but suddenly, it feels like a necessity. 

There’s a long pause, and Naruto finds himself counting the seconds. 

“You mean they want you to keep an eye on me,” Kakashi says, his face uncannily blank, and there’s very little Naruto would not give up to see that eye curve into a crescent of a smile again. 

“Yeah,” he whispers. There’s no use denying it anyway. Kakashi will see right through him, like he always has, as if he’s got his heart on his sleeve for him to pick up and pull apart. 

There’s another pause. Naruto has always lived alone, but silence has made itself known in the house in the last few weeks than it ever has in his life. 

“Come here.”

“What?”

Kakashi shifts in the bed, making space for Naruto to sit on the bed, who dumbly obliges. When it comes to Kakashi asking for something, he acts on reflex. When Kakashi wants something, Naruto will bring down the heavens to make it happen, and they both know it. 

He’s closer to Kakashi than he remembers having been in a long time. Sitting on the edge of his own bed, he feels oddly vulnerable. 

Kakashi puts away the book, his expression thoughtful, eyes distant. There’s so much that could be running through that brilliant mind, Naruto realises, and he yearns to reach out and untangle those thoughts, but Kakashi is not one to be pushed. 

“Well,” his sensei says at long last, and his eye curves in the oh-so-familiar way, ever so slightly. “It could be a lot worse.”

“What do you mean?” Naruto asks. He feels like he should understand, that he shouldn’t wrench the words out of Kakashi, but he wants, needs to hear it, for his own sanity—

Kakashi closes his eyes briefly. If Naruto leans down, he‘d be able to kiss him. 

“What I mean is—I’m glad _you’re_ with me, Naruto.”

•

It isn’t long before Naruto is assigned missions once again. He’s one of the village’s best jonin, after all, and no matter how much he wants to stay at Kakashi’s side while he recovers, Konaha needs him. He’s always sealed his own fate. 

“There’s nobody else who can handle this,” Tenzo says, apologetically, as Naruto reads over the mission details. It’s short, a couple of weeks at most, and yet the anxiety twists in his gut at the thought of leaving Kakashi alone. “I’d ask Sasuke to help, but he’s on an important assignment as well. You’ll have to leave immediately.”

Naruto nods, watching Yamato leave. When he turns back, Kakashi’s sharp eye is on him, trying to gauge his reaction. Naruto doesn’t give him the pleasure of finding one. 

“Well?” Kakashi asks, casually rearranging the documents he’s been working on lately. 

Naruto shrugs. He feels slightly...defeated. 

“I’ll be fine, Naruto,” Kakashi says quietly, and Naruto tries to believe him, he really does.

“Okay.”

“Really. Don’t worry about me. Focus on the mission.”

Naruto wants to cry. He’s heard the same words so many times— _focus on the mission_ —but rarely has he not had Kakashi by his side. “Okay.”

The many miles between him and Kakashi shorten as the latter kisses his forehead. Naruto blinks. Kakashi has to stand on his toes slightly to reach up. 

“Come back safe,” he says.

•

Naruto finds himself in Takigakure, Sai at his side. His teammate’s presence is refreshing, his bluntness a cool breeze. What Sai thinks, he says. Naruto finds himself laughing every now and then. 

“It’s good to see you smile,” Sai says, with his usual brutal honesty, as they find an inn to settle for the night. They have an important day tomorrow. 

Naruto flashes him his signature grin. It’s been so long since he’s smiled like that that his face feels taut. “Yeah, you think so?”

“I do,” Sai says, awkwardly patting him on the back. “We have all missed you.”

Conversation with his friend is invigorating. Naruto relaxes, finding the tension bleed out of his shoulder as they talk. It’s almost the end of the night when Sai brings it up. 

“Naruto, I don’t know what’s been bothering you,” he says, and it’s tactful, even for Sai. “But whatever it is, I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?” Naruto asks, out of morbid curiosity. 

“Just this—you’ll find a way,” he says, simply. “You always do.”


	3. We All Have Emptiness Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto returns, and Kakashi locks himself away because of a misunderstanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I started writing what was supposed to be the last chapter, but I figured that it was getting too long and confusing and I didn't quite know where I was going with it, so I split it in two. Sorry for the wait and suspense!

Takigakure leaves Naruto broken. 

He knows how to fight. He knows the feeling of a kunai in his hand, knows the sound of blood rushing through his head—yet, it’s seeing the scared faces of the children in the dark room that shakes the perdurable optimism that he so prides himself on. 

_Dirty_. That’s how he feels, even though he’s not the one covered in grime and sweat. One of the children sneezes, and they all flinch in tandem, as if waiting for Naruto and Sai to strike them, and his faith splinters into tiny pieces. 

It’s Sai who speaks first—for a fleeting moment, Naruto realises how much he’s changed since Tenchi Bridge. He speaks to the children in hushed tones, though Naruto would be able to hear him, if only he could stop the ringing in his ears. 

They remind him of himself. Before he found Iruka. Sakura. Sasuke. 

_Kakashi_. 

The tears well up in his eyes without him noticing. Suddenly, there’s a small tug at his sleeve. It’s a child, barely five, clinging on to him like he’s the sun. 

Furiously, Naruto wipes his eyes with his sleeve, before crouching down and smiling. 

•

The bowl of ramen in front of him lies untouched. 

“Naruto,” Sai states, matter-of-fact as ever, breaking him out of his stupor momentarily. “You have not eaten anything.”

“I’m not really feeling up to it,” he says truthfully. Years ago, Sai would have perhaps taken that for an answer, but now, his eyes glint with understanding. 

“Is something wrong?” He asks, bluntly. Naruto pauses before answering, a habit that has becomes more common by the day. 

“I’m just missing home.”

It’s not untruthful, and Sai understands as much, nodding sagely and awkwardly patting Naruto’s hand. 

“It is always nice to have someone to return to.”

It’s only when they’re almost back in Konohagakure that Naruto realises that he never mentioned that someone at all. 

•

It’s late when they finally return, and Sai tiredly waves him off, leaving Naruto standing at the gate of the village. The Hokage tower looms in front of him, imposing in the darkness, and Naruto shivers.

“Naruto?”

He turns, and suddenly he feels light, serene, as Kakashi smiles under the mask, raising his hand to brush a bloody lock of hair out of Naruto’s eyes. “Kakashi?”

“You’re a mess,” Kakashi says, fondness in his voice, and Naruto has to stop himself from sagging into his arms. “So you made it back, hm?”

“Couldn’t leave you all alone here,” Naruto manages a grin, eyes closing as Kakashi gently scratches his head. “God knows you’d get completely lost in your thoughts.”

“You need to have more faith in me,” Kakashi teases, and Naruto can’t help but revel in how natural it feels to feel the wind whisper in his ear as he relaxes under Kakashi’s touch and watchful gaze, the tension and trauma of the mission evaporating off his shoulders in swirls against the moonlit sky. 

“I’ll pass on that, Hokage-sama,” he says, and his knees buckle with exhaustion, and Kakashi catches him—

—and suddenly, Kakashi is _so close._

Their breaths mingle in the chill, and Naruto freezes, his fingers itching to pull of Kakashi’s mask and just— _and just—_

And then there’s fabric against his lips, and he _melts_.

Kakashi trembles against Naruto, hesitant, and somewhere at the back of his thoughts, Naruto realises that’s it’s almost like Kakashi is scared, so he stands, wanting to kiss him better, harder, because now that Kakashi’s lips are against his, he knows that this is _all he could ever want—_

—and Kakashi breaks away.

There’s a tense moment of silence. Not even the night dares to break it.

Naruto speaks first. “I—“

Kakashi’s voice is so low that Naruto almost misses it. “...Forgive me.”

“Kakashi, wha—“

He wants to reach out, because he knows what’s going to happen, but his body betrays him, and Kakashi disappears in a swish of his cape.

•

He isn’t quite sure what he’s been expecting when he lets himself into his apartment. He certainly hasn’t dared _hope_ for anything, but he can’t deny that some sort of yearning has impinged itself into the back of his mind, a yearning to find Kakashi curled up on his couch with his Icha-Icha hidden between his paperwork, for Shiba to greet him with an excited yip. 

Perhaps he’s just tired of returning to an empty home. 

The apartment is dark, foreboding, with no sign of Kakashi or his ninken, almost like they were never there. 

Perhaps they weren’t.

His silence echoes in the empty house, and he moves to wash the blood off his hands. 

•

Sakura stares at him with an expression that borders on pity. Naruto can’t bear to look at her. 

“Maybe just...talk to him,” she says. 

Naruto closes his eyes. Her advice is genuine, but doesn’t do much good for someone who always leaves him tongue-tied.

•

Naruto is used to barging into places, even the Hokage’s office. There’s always been an implied invitation that he’s allowed to enter when he likes, and it gives him comfort, knowing that there’s nothing that he could be interrupting that Kakashi deems more important than Naruto himself, that nothing has a higher priority than him.

Which is why it feels like a slap to the face when the ANBU guards outside the Hokage’s room stop him from entering. 

“The Hokage isn’t taking visitors,” one of the guards says, voice professional and unapologetic. 

Naruto stares. “Wha—is he in a meeting?”

“No, Uzumaki-san.”

“Then—why—“

“We’re not at liberty to say more, sir,” the other guard says, almost apologetically, and Naruto turns away, even though there are no tears in his eyes. 

•

He finds himself staring at the stars in the old training field, where Kakashi had taught Naruto almost everything he knows. The grass is familiar between his fingers, the earthen smell strangely sweet. 

“I thought I’d find you here,” says a familiar voice, and Naruto opens his eyes to find Shikamaru staring down at him, a cigarette between his lips that he puts out almost immediately. 

“Shika,” Naruto acknowledges as his friend lays down next to him, staring up at the starlit sky with him. “What brings you out?”

Shikamaru shrugs, tucking his hands behind his head. “I like watching the clouds.”

Naruto chuckles at that, a soft, sad sound that he barely recognises himself. “Yeah, after all this time, I’m starting to see the appeal.”

Shikamaru hums slightly, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. Together, they watch the moon evanesce behind the clouds. 

“Some people think too much,” Shikamaru says, and something in his tone tells Naruto to listen carefully. “Sometimes that can be a good thing, but for people like Kakashi, it usually isn’t.”

Naruto glances at his friend, and then turns back to the sky. 

“Some people need a different kind of saving. Do you hear me, Naruto?”

There’s a pause, and the trees rustle. 

“I hear you.”

•

“Kakashi,” he says, from the window of the Hokage’s office, and he watches Kakashi still completely, the pen in his hand coming to a halt on the paper. 

“Do you need something, Naruto?”

The words are cold, icy, impersonal. The tone renders Naruto speechless. Kakashi has never spoken to him like this. The Rokudaime refused to meet his eyes still, refuses to turn around, and somehow Naruto is frozen on the windowsill, unable to face him. 

“I— I didn’t give you my mission report.”

The pen resumes moving on the paper. “Give it to Shikamaru.”

And he doesn’t know what to say, for what can he say? Kakashi is a busy man, and Naruto has no right to bother him, but his longing to feel Kakashi’s arms around him is almost overpowering, and he’s tired of wondering what went wrong when he went to Takigakure, tired of lying awake at night and burying his face into the pillow that barely smells like Kakashi anymore, tired, he’s _tired—_

“If that’s all,” Kakashi says, after a long moment. “I have work to do.”

Naruto nods, even though he knows Kakashi can’t see him. The tears finally come, and it’s almost a relief. 

•

Sasuke comes back, takes one look at Naruto and pulls him into his arms. 

Naruto loses track of how long he cries for. 

•

That evening, he finds himself seated at Obito Uchiha’s grave. The little lanterns around the memorial stone create a peaceful aura, and he would feel at ease if not for the turmoil in his head.

“You said he was even more stubborn than this before,” Naruto chuckles wetly. “How did you even deal with him?”

The night falls languidly, and though there are no words are traded between him and the gravestone, he feels tranquility blanket him as he rises.

•

He gets wounded on his next mission.In all honesty, he’s expecting it. He’s distracted, preoccupied by things that don’t have any right to inhabit his mind, and before he knew it, he was on the ground, Kiba’s faraway scream of his name fading before everything goes black.

 _Idiot_ , he chastises himself, as he fades.

•

When he comes to, Sakura is fussing over him in incandescent silence, and Sasuke is asleep at his bedside.She sees that he’s awake, and places a finger on his lips to hush him before he gets a word out of his mouth. Her green eyes light up on seeing him, but her brows are crinkled with worry.

“ _Rest_ ,” she orders, not unkindly, and Naruto complies instantly, sinking back into the pillows as she massages his temples. Her fingers on his forehead are strong, familiar. He closes his eyes.

“You had us worried,” she says, keeping her voice low but not bothering to keep the accusatory tone out of it.

“I’m sorry, Sakura-chan.”

To his utter surprise, she lets it go. “Just rest. You need it. Doctor’s orders.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he murmurs, drawing out a chuckle from Sakura as she pulls up a chair to sit beside him.

“Idiot.”

Her words are so safe, so utterly tender, that Naruto instantly feels tears spring to his eyes. Wordlessly, she swipes her thumb under the corners of his eyes, wiping them away. At his elbow, Sasuke shifts slightly, mumbling under his breath. With the two of them, Naruto can almost forget all that’s been plaguing him for so long.

Almost.

•

When he wakes up, Kakashi’s grey eyes are staring at him. 

Naruto chuckles weakly, acutely aware of how close Kakashi is. “If I knew I had to get bashed in the head to get your attention, I would have done it a long time ago.”

Kakashi doesn’t laugh. His eyes bore into Naruto, tearing off the corners of his soul as time crumbles away between them. 

“I expected more of you,” Kakashi says, quietly. 

The air in the room changes. Naruto laughs hollowly, feeling his anger fuse with the emptiness in his gut and rise in a dangerous concoction. 

“You did?” He chuckles, no trace of humour in his own voice as he sits up. “Tell me, Hokage-sama. What _did_ you expect?”

For the first time, he sees uncertainty flicker in Kakashi’s eyes, but he remains silent. 

“I don’t understand you,” Naruto tells him, voice rising, much less brokenly than he feels. “I don’t get you, Kakashi. I’ve tried to talk to you. I’ve given you space, but I don’t know _how_ you expect me to do _anything_ right when you won’t even _acknowledge_ _me!”_

“Naruto—“

“You won’t even _look_ at me! Am I that repulsive, Kakashi? Do you hate me that much?” 

“I don’t hate you.”

“Then _why?_ ” Naruto yells. 

For a split second, Naruto knows that he almost has him, that his wrath has caught Kakashi with his defences down, that he’s finally got through—and then Kakashi’s eyes harden. 

“Report to Shikamaru when you’re ready to return to duty,” he says tonelessly, standing and pulling his Hokage robe around himself. 

Somehow, it makes him look smaller than Naruto has ever seen. 

•

“You like sensei, don’t you,” Sasuke asks, and it’s not a question. 

Naruto sighs, poking at the stir-fry that they’re sharing in the Uchiha Compound. He doesn’t even bother trying to deny it—not to Sasuke. “Is it that obvious?”

“Just to me, I think,” Sasuke says, a hint of amusement in his voice, and Naruto throws a piece of tomato at him, feeling a little better with it off his chest. 

“Clearly I have a type,” Naruto grumbles under his breath, certain that his friend can hear him, but blessedly, Sasuke doesn’t comment on it. There’s a moment of silence before the Uchiha speaks again. 

“He’s a difficult person,” he says, and it’s not a question. Naruto laughs tiredly, and stands to put his bowl in the sink, his fingers poking Sasuke in the forehead. 

“I’m used to it,” he says, and he sees a ghost of a smile cross Sasuke’s face. “Sasuke...he kissed me.”

There’s a pause, and Sasuke’s dark eyes search him for any hint of laughter, for a joke, for an inkling of a lie. Clearly, he finds none.

“He...kissed you?” He asks carefully, and Naruto chuckles bitterly.

“Yeah,” he whispers, looking down at his hands, unable to face his friend for some reason. “And he’s been ignoring me ever since.”

“Why would he do that?”

”Beats me,” Naruto shrugs, shoulders heavy. “I was actually hoping you could give me some insight.”

Sasuke’s eyes furrow, and Naruto laughs, because he can be really dense for a supposed genius. “Me? Why?”

“Like I said,” Naruto says, watching the understanding dawn in Sasuke’s eyes. “I have a type.” 

•

Neji would have understood, he thinks.

•

“I’m busy, Naruto,” Kakashi says, not even looking up from his work when Naruto enters, and he pretends that it doesn’t send ice through his heart.

“I’m not here to bother you,” Naruto promises, his voice unusually soft. “I just have a request.”

“What is it?”

“A long vacation.”

That. That gets Kakashi’s attention, and Naruto nearly laughs out loud at the irony. The Hokage puts down his pen, finally looking up and into Naruto’s eyes for the first time since the hospital. It sends a shiver down his spine, even now, because Kakashi’s eyes still search every nook of his soul like they did all those years ago. “Why is that?”

He shrugs, feigning nonchalance. “I just need to get my mind off things. It might be good for me to be away from y—the. village. For a while.”

Kakashi’s eyes widen, and Naruto knows that he knows exactly what he was about to say. He stares in wonder as Kakashi’s impenetrable facade begins to break, slowly, uncertainty crossing the tiny part of his face that Naruto can see. Naruto does feel the vindictive pride in finally, _finally_ getting through to him, but he feels an imperceptible sadness in his chest—sadness that they’ve come to this.

“I’m—I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Kakashi says, and he suddenly looks like a young, lost child. “You’re the village’s strongest shinobi—we need to be able to reach you if there’s an emergency—“

Naruto’s prepared for this. “You have Sasuke. Shikamaru, Lee and Temari. You have plenty of people to rely on, Hokage-sama.”

It feels good. It feels liberating. 

And as he watches Kakashi shake slightly in his chair, Naruto _hates_ himself. 

The silence stretches between them. Kakashi is impossibly still, but Kurama’s chakra picks up on his terror. 

“Very well,” Kakashi says, unnaturally formal. “If it’s what you want.”

Naruto nods curtly.

•

The days slowly fade, and the fated night arrives. Naruto locks up his few prized possessions that he can’t carry with him, his gaze lingering a moment too long on them. 

He doesn’t know when he’ll see them again. 

He clutches his coin purse tightly, his fingers stretching the green material dangerously. Perhaps he’ll stop by Jiraiya’s grave on his way, he decides. It starts to rain, and Naruto bolts his windows for good, silently revelling in the sound of the water hitting the glass as he casts one last glance around his apartment. 

“So long,” he whispers, and his voice echoes in the darkness. 

There’s a knock on the door, and Kakashi stands there, sopping wet. With his hair down in the rain, he looks much smaller than he usually does. 

“Kaka-sensei,” Naruto says, voice carefully neutral. “Can I help you?”

“I think—I think I forgot some of my papers here,” Kakashi says, his eyes unfocused but tone strangely steady, and perhaps it’s testament to how well Naruto knows him that he can tell it’s a flimsy lie right away. 

“Oh,” Naruto hums. Then, “would you like some coffee?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up as soon as possible! Expect badly written fluff and smut. As always, comments are drooled over, and you can find me on discord as Ashen#7379.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are drooled over! Thank you for reading.


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